HEALTH EDUCATION

A young woman’s guide to sexuality

Are you sexual?
Everybody is sexual. Our sexuality includes:

• Our bodies and how our bodies work

• Our sex — female or male

• Our genders — our biological, social, and legal status as girls and boys, women and men

• Our gender identity — our feelings about our gender

• Our sexual orientations — straight, gay, or bisexual

• Our values about life, love, and the people in our lives

And sexuality influences how we feel about all of these things and how we experience the world.

Some of the most difficult decisions in life are about sex. They can affect our plans for school, career, our lifestyles, relationships, and families. Whatever sexual decisions you make, choose ones that help you feel proud of yourself.

Sexual expression is one of our basic human needs like water, food, and shelter. It can be a positive source of personal enrichment and satisfaction when it is based on mature, informed, and responsible choices.

Of course we don’t always have sex when we’re feeling sexy. When to have sex is a personal choice. We usually make better decisions when we think through the possible benefits and risks.

A good sex life is one that keeps in balance with everything else in your life — your health, education and career goals, relationships with other people, and your feelings about yourself.

Sex and love in the real world
Sex seems to be everywhere. It is used to sell everything, from cars to magazines. With all those messages, we can be confused about what sex means to us.

Every woman has her own sexual values. What are yours?

• Are they about finding a life partner?

• Are they about satisfying a physical need?

• Are they about developing a relationship?

• Are they about waiting until marriage?

• Are they about all of these concerns?

Your answers may change over your lifetime.

There’s a difference between sexual desire and love. Sexual desire is a strong physical excitement. Love is a powerful caring for someone else. Love can exist without sexual desire, and vice versa. Many people are happiest when both love and sexual desire are shared by both partners.

Sex involves responsibility. Sex partners need to share responsibility for birth control. They should also protect each other from infections like HIV, gonorrhea, herpes, genital warts, and chlamydia.

Communication is very important. Sex can mean different things to different people. But it is not a good substitute for conversation. Some people expect sexual intercourse to bring them closer. But sex can get in the way of intimacy — especially if you and your partner aren’t talking. Sometimes, one partner is having sex just to have sex while the other expects a long-term relationship. We need to talk to our partners to be sure we are clear with each other.

Sexual attraction
There are different kinds of sexual attraction. Some women are attracted to men. Some are not. They may be interested in relationships with other women. Or with both women and men. No one knows for sure what makes women lesbian, bisexual, or heterosexual. Sexual orientation develops naturally — perhaps even before birth.

Although sexual orientation may shift for some people in the course of a lifetime, it is not something that people can decide for themselves or others.

Any woman of reproductive age — straight, lesbian, or bisexual — who has sex with men, even occasionally, needs to use contraception if she doesn’t want to become pregnant.

The benefits and risks of sexual relationships are much the same for all women. However, women who are perceived as lesbians or bisexual are often subjected to harassment and discrimination.

Enjoying your body and sexuality
What is sexy? The media tells us that only certain body images are sexy. Remember: they are trying to sell a product or service. Women who struggle to look like models or celebrities may injure their health. Differences in body type, height, and weight are normal and healthy.
Being sexy depends more on personality — how we think of ourselves, present ourselves, take care of ourselves, and respect ourselves and other people.

Understanding what gives us sexual pleasure can improve sex with a partner. Every woman has different feelings about sexual pleasure — many women learn about what they like and don’t like through masturbation. And many masturbate all their lives — whether or not they are in relationships.

What do I feel about sex?
Thinking about your answers to these questions may help you understand your feelings:

• What are my sexual desires?

• What are my sexual limits — am I clear with myself about what I will do and won’t do?

• Do I want to have sex?

• What do I want to get out of it?

• What does my partner want? Why?

• Do we want the same thing?

• Could I get hurt or hurt my partner?

• Will this relationship be honest, equal, respectful, and responsible?

• Am I prepared for any physical or emotional outcome?

It is wrong for a partner to pressure you, ask you to take risks, or ignore your feelings. It is not a good sign if your partner keeps secrets from you.

Sexual relationships
Self-respect is the key to a healthy and rewarding sex life. Being your own woman means doing what you know is right for you. It’s important to be honest with yourself about what you want and what you don’t want.

In happy and healthy relationships, partners try not to hurt each other. Healthy relationships help us feel better about ourselves and about our place in the world. They make us feel safe. But some people put up with abuse to protect their relationships — this is unhealthy and dangerous. Physical and sexual abuse is wrong and illegal, in any relationship.

Avoid regrets — trust your feelings about becoming sexually involved. Our society doesn’t always help women understand their real feelings about sex. It’s okay to ignore the pressure to be sexually active. Just be true to yourself.

Your sex IQ
Answer True or False to these questions. Even one wrong answer to this "Sex IQ" quiz means you need more information. Correct answers are found at the end of the quiz.

1. It’s a hassle to get birth control.

2. Even if you don’t have sex often, you should carry condoms just in case.

3. You can’t get pregnant if a man pulls his penis out of your vagina before he ejaculates.

4. Everybody’s doing it.

5. Masturbation is one of the safest sexual activities.

6. A girl can’t get pregnant before she turns 16.

7. Most sexually transmitted infections happen to women and men under 25.

8. When anyone forces a friend or a date to have sexual intercourse, it is rape.

9. Most women have orgasms from vaginal stimulation.

10. Sex before marriage makes for success in marriage.

11. Pleasing your partner when you have sex is more important than pleasing yourself.

12. Sex is better with alcohol or drugs.

Answers to the sex IQ
1. FALSE. Anybody can buy condoms in drugstores or from vending machines. They are often free at Planned Parenthood health centers, other family planning clinics, and most public health departments. To make an appointment to talk about your other birth control options, you can call, toll-free, 1-800-230-PLAN for the nearest Planned Parenthood center or click here.

2.TRUE. People who don’t often have sex are more likely to be unprepared. Always be prepared.

3.FALSE. Withdrawal is better than no birth control at all. But there is still a chance of pregnancy — and sexually transmitted infections.

4.FALSE. Only about half of high school students have ever had intercourse. Far fewer have it on a regular basis. Many kids who have had sex wish that they had waited.

5. TRUE. Masturbation is a risk-free sexual activity because no body fluids are shared with a partner. Some people are embarrassed to talk about it, but most people enjoy masturbation throughout their lives.

6. FALSE. A woman is capable of getting pregnant any time she has unprotected sex — even the first time.

7.TRUE. People under 25 have more sexually transmitted infections than anyone else. People who have sex should get checkups at least once a year.

8.TRUE. When someone is forced to have sexual intercourse, it is rape. Rape is always a crime.

9.FALSE. Most women have orgasms from clitoral stimulation.

10. FALSE. Neither sex before marriage nor abstinence until marriage can guarantee that a marriage will work.

11.FALSE. Relationships suffer when partners ignore their own pleasure. When both partners are interested in pleasing themselves as well as one another, communication can improve between them — and this can lead to a better relationship.

12.FALSE. Continued use of alcohol, cocaine, and other drugs can lead to problems with sex — even a loss of interest in sex.

How do you know when you’re ready for sex?
Sexuality is a natural and normal part of life. And so is sex. Having sex play — from masturbation to flirting, from kissing to petting, from oral sex to intercourse — is a big decision. It involves many feelings and responsibilities.

Choosing to be in an ongoing sexual relationship is another big decision. There is a lot to consider.

Figuring out when you’re ready for sex continues through life. People need to make decisions about sex in their teens, 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, and beyond — every time a sexual situation develops.

Personal values and goals
Sexy images are everywhere. We see sex on television, the Internet, and in books, magazines, and movies. We hear about it in songs. Sex is used in ads to sell products. The messages we get can be confusing and hard to sort out.

Think about your values by answering these questions:

• What messages have you gotten from your family about sex?

• What are your religious, spiritual, or moral views about sex?

• Do you want a committed relationship before you have sex?

• Will having sex now affect your plans for the future?

If having sex supports your personal values and goals, rather than conflicts with them — you may be ready.

Emotional risks
Having sex can be wonderful — whether or not it includes intercourse. But it can make people feel very vulnerable, and they can get hurt.

Think about how it may make you feel:

• Will having sex make you feel differently about yourself? If so, how?

• How might your feelings about your partner change?

• Will you expect more commitment from your partner? What if you don’t get it?

• What if having sex turns out to be different than you expect?

• What if having sex ends your relationship?

• What if having sex changes your relationship to your family and friends?

If you understand and can accept the emotional risks of having sex, you may be ready.

Physical risks
Having sex with a partner can be a meaningful way to express yourself. But there are two important physical risks — sexually transmitted infection and unintended pregnancy.

Do you know how to reduce the risks? Answer these Yes or No questions to see how much you know.

I know how to reduce the risk of infection with safer sex.

I have condoms — and know how to use them.

I know how to prevent pregnancy.

I have reliable birth control and know how to use it.

I know how I would handle an infection or unintended pregnancy.

I know how my partner would feel about an unintended pregnancy.

I will go for check-ups for sexually transmitted infections when I take risks.

I have discussed these issues with my partner.

If you are ready to protect yourself and your partner from physical risks, you may be ready.

Pressure
It may seem as though everyone your age is having sex — especially intercourse. This can make you feel that you should be, too. But the truth is that only about half of high school students have ever had intercourse. Far fewer have it on a regular basis. Many kids who have had sex wish that they had waited.

How do you feel about these reasons for having sex — whether it means intercourse or not? Answer Yes or No to the statements below:

I feel like the only "virgin" in my group of friends.

I want to just "get it over with."

My partner will break up with me if I don’t have sex.

Having sex will make me popular.

I’ll feel more mature if I have sex.

I want to get back at my parents.

If you let yourself be persuaded by any of these negative reasons, you may not be ready.

Communicating clearly
It is important to let your partner know what you want — and what you don’t want — before things get sexual. This may not be easy. Maybe it seems like having sex is something that should "just happen."

In fact, you need to be clear about what you want. Your partner can’t read your thoughts. Talking with your partner is very important.
Are you ready to do that? Yes or No?

I’m embarrassed to talk with my partner about safer sex or birth control.

It’s easier to talk to my partner when I use alcohol or other drugs.

I don’t know how to say "no" to my partner.

Saying "no" will hurt my partner’s feelings.

I’m uncomfortable about letting my partner know what kind of sex play I do and do not like.

I’d feel awkward telling my partner what I like or what doesn’t feel good.

If you’re not ready to talk openly with your partner about having sex, you may not be ready to have sex.

Your relationship
People who care about and trust each other become intimate — close. But sex is just one part of a whole relationship. It is just one way to be intimate.

How about the other aspects of your relationship?

Do you treat each other as equals?

Do you trust each other?

Are you honest with each other?

Do you respect each other’s needs and feelings?

Do you care about each other’s pleasure?

Do you share similar interests and values?

Do you have fun together?

Are you ready to protect each other?

Do you both accept responsibility for what you do?

Do you both want to have sex at this time?

If these things are true about your relationship, you may be ready to have sex.

We all have sexy feelings. But we don’t always have sex when we have them. When to have sex is a personal choice. Often the decisions we make in life aren’t perfect. But we usually make better decisions when we think through the possible benefits and the risks.

Sometimes it’s helpful to talk things through with someone you trust — a parent, a friend, a professional counselor, or someone else who cares about you and what will be good for you.

A good sex life is one that keeps in balance with everything you’re about — your health, education and career goals, relationships with other people, and your feelings about yourself.

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