HEALTH EDUCATION

A young man’s guide to sexuality

Are you sexual?
Everybody is sexual. Our sexuality includes:

• Our bodies and how our bodies work

• Our sex — female or male

• Our genders — our biological, social, and legal status as girls and boys, women and men

• Our gender identity — our feelings about our gender

• Our sexual orientations — straight, gay, or bisexual

• Our values about life, love, and the people in our lives

And sexuality influences how we feel about all of these things and how we experience the world.

Some of the most difficult decisions in life are about sex. They can affect our plans for school, career, our lifestyles, relationships, and families. Whatever sexual decisions you make, choose ones that help you feel proud of yourself.

Sexual expression is one of our basic human needs like water, food, and shelter. It can be a positive source of personal enrichment and satisfaction when it is based on mature, informed, and responsible choices.

Of course we don’t always have sex when we’re feeling sexy. When to have sex is a personal choice. We usually make better decisions when we think through the possible benefits and risks.

A good sex life is one that keeps in balance with everything else in your life — your health, education and career goals, relationships with other people, and your feelings about yourself.

Sex and love in the real world
Sex seems to be everywhere. It is used to sell everything, from cars to magazines. With all those messages, we can be confused about what sex means to us.

Every man has his own sexual values. What are yours?

• Are they about finding a life partner?

• Are they about satisfying a physical need?

• Are they about developing a relationship?

• Are they about waiting until marriage?

• Are they about all of these concerns?

Your answers may change over your lifetime.

There’s a difference between sexual desire and love. Sexual desire is a strong physical excitement. Love is a powerful caring for someone else. Love can exist without sexual desire, and vice versa. Many people are happiest when both love and sexual desire are shared by both partners.

Sex involves responsibility. Sex partners need to share responsibility for birth control. They should also protect each other from infections like HIV, gonorrhea, herpes, genital warts, and chlamydia.

Remember — If your partner gets pregnant and chooses to have the baby and raise it, you can be legally responsible for sharing expenses. Or she can choose to have an abortion — whether you like it or not.

Sexual attraction
There are different kinds of sexual attraction. Some men are attracted to women. Some are not. They may be interested in relationships with other men. Or with both women and men. No one knows for sure what makes men gay, bisexual, or heterosexual.

Sexual orientation develops naturally — perhaps even before birth. Although sexual orientation may shift for some people in the course of a lifetime, it is not something that people can decide for themselves or others.

Except for pregnancy, the benefits and risks of sexual relationships are much the same, regardless of sexual orientation — with one exception. Gay and bisexual men are often subjected to harassment and discrimination based on their sexual orientation.

What do I feel about sex?
Thinking about your answers to these questions may help you understand your feelings:

• What are my sexual desires?

• What are my sexual limits — am I clear with myself about what I will do and won’t do?

• Do I want to have sex?

• What do I want to get out of it?

• What does my partner want? Why?

• Do we want the same thing?

• Could I get hurt or hurt my partner?

• Will this relationship be honest, equal, respectful, and responsible?

• Am I prepared for any physical or emotional outcome?

It is wrong for a partner to pressure you, ask you to take risks, or ignore your feelings. It is not a good sign if your partner keeps secrets from you.

Enjoying your body and sexuality
Sexual stereotypes are dangerous. Society sends confusing messages about what it means to be male.

Many of us are led to believe that we need to compete with other guys. We should dominate women. Be aggressive and physically powerful. Take charge and be demanding. Some of us are led to believe that our sex partners should always be passive, weak, submissive, and accepting.

But these attitudes don’t lead to satisfying relationships. Partners who treat each other as equals have a much better time — and are less likely to be abusive.

What is sexy? The media tells us that only certain body images are sexy. Remember — they are trying to sell a product or service. Differences in body type, height, and weight are normal and healthy.

Being sexy depends more on personality — how we think of ourselves, present ourselves, take care of ourselves, and respect ourselves and other people.

Steroids aren’t sexy. Taking steroids for bodybuilding is dangerous. They can make you impotent and shrink your testicles. They can also change your personality. They can give you a bad temper and make you pick fights.

Understanding what gives us sexual pleasure can improve sex with a partner. Most men learn about their sexual pleasure through masturbation. Most masturbate all their lives — whether or not they are in relationships.

Sexual relationships
Self-respect is the key to a healthy and rewarding sex life. Being your own man means doing what you know is right for you. It’s important to be honest with yourself about what you want and what you don’t want.

In happy and healthy relationships, partners try not to hurt each other. Healthy relationships help us feel better about ourselves and about our place in the world. They make us feel safe. But some people put up with abuse to protect their relationships — this is unhealthy and dangerous. Physical and sexual abuse is wrong and illegal, in any relationship.

Avoid regrets — trust your feelings about becoming sexually involved. Our society doesn’t always help men understand their real feelings about sex. It’s okay to ignore the pressure to be sexually active. Just be true to yourself.

Communication is very important. Sex can mean different things to different people. But it is not a good substitute for conversation. Some people expect sexual intercourse to bring them closer. But sex can get in the way of intimacy — especially if you and your partner aren’t talking. Sometimes, one partner is having sex just to have sex while the other expects a long-term relationship. We need to talk to our partners to be sure we are clear with each other.Check Out Your

Your sex IQ
Answer ’True’ or ’False’ to the questions below. Even one wrong answer to this "Sex IQ" quiz means you need more information. Correct answers are found at the end of the quiz.

1. It’s a hassle to get birth control.

2. Even if you don’t have sex often, you should carry condoms just in case.

3. Condoms work by killing sperm.

4. "Withdrawal" means having intercourse and pulling out before "coming."

5. Having sexual intercourse proves you’re a man.

6. When a woman says "no," she really means "yes."

7. When you want to end a relationship, just ignore your partner.

8. A girl can’t get pregnant before she turns 16.

9. When a guy keeps trying to be your friend, he must be gay.

10. Sex before marriage makes for success in marriage.

11. Sexually transmitted infections go away by themselves.

12. Most sexually transmitted infections happen to women and men under 25.

13. When anyone forces a friend, date, or spouse to have sexual intercourse, it is rape.

14. Sex is better with alcohol or drugs.

Answers to the sex IQ
1. FALSE. Anybody can buy condoms in drugstores or from vending machines. They are often free at Planned Parenthood health centers, other family planning clinics, and most public health departments. To make an appointment to talk about your other birth control options, you can call, toll-free, 1-800-230-PLAN for the nearest Planned Parenthood center or click here.

2. TRUE. People who don’t often have sex are more likely to be unprepared. Always be prepared.

3. FALSE. Condoms work by preventing semen, which contains sperm, from entering your partner’s body.

4. TRUE. Withdrawal is better than no method of birth control at all. But there is still a chance of pregnancy — and sexually transmitted infections.

5. FALSE. Sex doesn’t prove anything — that you are mature, straight, or gay.

6. FALSE. Take her at her word. When a woman says "no" she means "no."

7. FALSE. Breaking up is often painful, but being strung along hurts too.

8. FALSE. A woman is capable of getting pregnant any time she has unprotected sex — even the first time.

9. FALSE. It is natural for a man to show and receive affection from other men in his life — his friends, his father, brothers, uncles, coaches, or teachers.

10. FALSE. Neither sex before marriage nor abstinence until marriage can guarantee that a marriage will work.

11. FALSE. To get rid of a sexually transmitted infection, you must be medically treated.

12. TRUE. People under 25 have more sexually transmitted infections than anyone else. People who have sex should get checkups at least once a year.

13. TRUE. When someone is forced to have sexual intercourse, it is rape. Rape is always a crime.

14. FALSE. Continued use of alcohol, cocaine, and other drugs can lead to problems with sex — even a loss of interest in sex.

Guidelines for sex partners

• Have each other’s consent.

• Never use pressure to get consent.

• Be honest with each other.

• Treat each other as equals.

• Be attentive to each other’s pleasure.

• Protect each other against physical and emotional harm.

• Guard against unintended pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections.

• Be clear with each other about what you want to do and don’t want to do.

• Respect each other’s limits.

• Accept responsibility for your actions.

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